Nomad's Land

To Nap or not to nap

That is the question?  Bryce is going through a funky little phase right now with his naps and it's making me BONKERS.  I have no clue what to do.  He's resisting his morning nap now and will sometimes take a  longer afternoon nap.  Sometimes he's so tired he'll take a morning nap and no afternoon nap and by the time dinner time rolls around he's so cranky it's ridiculous.  I know he's trying to transition to the one big nap in the afternoon but shit, can we please just get this transition over with! This wonky little phase has been going on for a couple of weeks now and I have no clue as what to do about it?  5 days last week he had no morning nap and took an hour and a half to a two hour afternoon nap but Friday he was so tired he fell a sleep at 9 am in the morning and slept almost two hours.  And then today.  He had a 45 minute morning nap and  has fell back a sleep this evening.

Any advice from those of you who have been through this or are dealing with this?

Another thing is and hopefully this will help the nap transition also.  He's moving up to the toddler room in daycare tomorrow and they only take one afternoon nap after lunch.  They also don't rock the toddlers down to sleep which is going to be a huge problem for Bryce as we rock him for 7 to 10 minutes for naps and night time sleep.   They also rock him in his previous classroom(infant/baby classroom). I know the rocking is a bad habit but he's my only child and I probably will not have another so what to do?  I talked to his new daycare teacher and she assured me that he'll get on their schedule and he'll eventually go down without rocking.  That several of the other toddlers were the same way, when that happens they will lay down beside them on the little cots and rub their backs or pat their bottoms until they eventually fall a sleep.  She said it might take Bryce a little longer to get use to that method but eventually he'll get use to falling a sleep like that.

I don't want to quit rocking my son!  I enjoy it and for me it's bonding time for us.  I mean he's been off the bottle since the day after his first birthday.  I don't have much "baby" stuff/time left if you know what I mean.  I swear I'll rock him until he's 21 if he'll let me.  Plus, I ENJOY it. 

I guess I'm screwed as I've caused my son to rely on rocking to fall a sleep.  What's strange is that if he wakes in the middle of the night he can get back to sleep without the rocking and most of the time I'll put him in the crib and he's not a sleep from the rocking so I know he's capable of falling a sleep without the whole rocking thing.  Who know's?  I guess we'll see but I would appreciate any of you guys commenting that have been through the whole nap transition thing.

My Thoughts

To believe that my child/our children can live in an America where any child can dream to be anything no matter what their skin color is simply has reduced me to tears today.

I've had so many people say so many foul statements to me over race, color, etc... with regards to this election. Even knowing that Bryce is part African American. I know that Obama will not and can not change the racism that still exist in this country but it simply warms my soul to know that my son can look up to an African American role model and can dream to be anything that his little heart desires. I didn't vote for Obama because the color of his skin. I voted for him for what he said and stands for.

I only pray that he really moves us to a new place in the world, and there is CHANGE.

Trick or Treat

Bryce was absolutely adorable last night.  I've never seen a one year old actually stick their Halloween bucket out for a treat like he did.  We visited Bryce's grandparent, great-grandmother, and his God parents.  His God Mother(my best freind) actually asked me if I taught him to stick his little pumpkin bucket out like that and I told her no.  It's crazy he did it all on his own. 

I will say it was so very nice being able to enjoy Halloween this year.  Halloween was always one of my favorite holidays but when we were in the thick of infertility I dreaded it.  It hurt so much to see all the little ones dressed up knowing I might not ever get to experience taking a child of our own trick or treating.  I literally would hide out during Halloween.

 

 

I really don't know what to blog about any longer.  I'm  now a mother, yes.  I'm still infertile, yes.  I've healed some, yes.  I don't know what is left to blog about and where to go with this any longer?  I use to love blogging getting all the emotional goop out about infertility this blog was my savor sometimes.  Yes, I'm still infertile.  A child will never grow in my womb, I doubt we will ever adopt another either.  But, now I'm kind of lost as where to go with this blog any longer. 

I could roll around in the misery of never being able to conceive or carry a child to term.  I could dwell on the past of all the heartache of losing six babies and failing miserably at IVF, but I'm past that.  I'm good, I really think I'm in a good place.  But, as sure as I type that statement I'll get a little surprise pang of hurt that creeps in from no where and leaves me wonding "what the fuck", I thought I was past this. 

I'm going today to visit a friend and her new baby.  Her son was born exactly one year and 2 days after my son.  So, works out really good as I've handed down lots of stuff down to her.  I'm so excited to meet the little baby and HOLD the little baby.  I can't wait.  I laughed hysterically as she called upset the other night.  "When does the baby start sleeping all night?  "When does this get better".  I tried to warn her the week before she delivered to "rest up" but she said she was ready.  She was upset as she's already lost 24 hours of sleep and doesn't know how she's ever going to make it up...  Lmao, you're not honey!  Lord forbid if they get sick, you'll lose a whole lot more.

You think friend would know this stuff as she's an ob/Gyn nurse.  She's young though and very naive. 

Anyway, I don't know what to post about and longer.  Things are good, Bryce is good, work is slow and our economy in the good ole US is all to fucking hell but I'm making it.

I'm off early today at work and I can't wait to pick my son up and meet new baby, Bryce has started showing a little jealousy of me showing other children attention here lately so this should be interesting.

I'll leave you with a couple of pictures.

 

Happy 1st My Dear Son

Mommy is incredibly PMS today and one day you'll understand why I'm so emotional right now.  One day when you are much much older...  I'm sure daddy will fill you in on woman's ways.

Happy Birthday my sweet, sweet, precious angel.  I'm crying as I type, I just looked back at your pictures from birth to present and it has reduced me to a blubbery mess.  Not to mention that I have to take you to the doctor today as some asshole kid bit you on the face at daycare and it's a really bad bite.

My precious precious angel you will be one year old tomorrow. A year ago my life changed completely.  You were sent straight from heaven to me and  you are nothing short of an angel.  Even though at 1 you often act like a little devil.  But, I love you're little devilish ways.  You are so very smart Bryce.  So very very smart.  I don't know if it's genetics or if I can take credit for working with you but you make mommy so very proud.  You try so very hard to please and you are so very very determined to show me or daddy how smart you are.

When you first came home I thought I would kill over from lack of sleep and I couldn't see much into the future as I was just trying to get through the present.  I never in my whole entire life expected to love a being as much as I love you.  Mommy has waited for you for years and you were definitely worth the wait.  Please know that I will always love you no matter what.

I look at you now today and you no longer resemble a baby, it makes me sad so very sad that you have grown so very quickly.  When people told me to cherish the infant stuff as it flies by, I didn't believe them but they were right.  It's flown...

On the other side of that, you have survived and thrived in your first year and you are officially a toddler now.  You are walking, talking, and in to EVERYTHING.  I think you might actually think your name is NO now instead of Bryce.  You're exploring EVERYTHING but learning so much at the same time.  It's delightful and so much fun to watch you learn and grow.

Your big boy car seat was turned forward facing this morning and it was amazing watching you smile at me while we drove to daycare.  It was bittersweet to turn it but I'll get over it my sweet son.

I hope one day you will realize how much mommy and daddy both love you and what you mean to us.  I pray that there will be many many more birthdays to come.  That you will turn into a man one day that will make this world proud.

You'll always be mommy's baby no matter how old you are.

I love you sweet boy,

Mommy

IT'S FINALLY OFFICIAL

Adoption decree is in and Bryce's adoption will be finalized on Monday.  The lady who handles/signs the decree is out of town and will not be back until Monday.

But, Monday it's official and our son is finally legally ours.

I got the news this morning and I've been on cloud nine all day long...  Finally it's all finished!

A couple of photos

       

We have tubes people!

So we had our consult with Bryce's ENT(ear, nose, and throat doctor) on Wednesday.  He immediately suggested tubes for his ears.  So immediately that we were scheduled for his surgery on Friday.  Now that was quick!

He said that Bryce had been on antibiotics for ENTIRELY too long.  Finally someone that agrees with momma.  He also said I should have been referred five ear infections ago.  That the good thing about tubes is if he does get another ear infection he will no longer be prescribed an oral antibiotic, he will get antibiotic drops.  Yeah for my little man!  Both ears had "mucoid effusion" which basically is thick yellow fluid that can not resolve itself on it's own.  Traditionally antibiotics doesn't help either.  Mucoid effusion contributes to hearing loss also.  I'm so freaking glad that they got his surgery scheduled so quickly.  They said that his speech, balance, sleeping, and hearing will be much, much better.   Poor little fellow.

We had to be at the surgical center at 6:30 am for the post-op.  I was so nervous about the procedure that I woke up that morning at 4 am and could not get back to sleep.  So, I decided just to get up, get ready, drink my coffee, and try to calm my nerves.

Bryce was a trooper.  His procedure was scheduled for 7:30.  That's normally around the time that he takes he takes his morning bottle.  He had to have an empty stomach for the surgery so at around 7:15 he was starting to get a little wormy/grumpy.  The nurse came to take him from me at around 7:25 and I literally had to fight back the tears.  It's not like they had  to do IV sedation but he did have gas for the procedure and it was still scary for all of us.  He's only 11 months old and we have no medical background history with how his birth parents did with anesthesia.  So, of course,  you try not to think the worse, but you do.

He literally was only back in the OR for about 15 minutes when the doctor came out and called us in to his conference room.  He said his ears were bad, the procedure went great though, and the tubes should make a HUGE difference.  He prescribed us an antibiotic ear drop for 5 days just to  help clear things up.  He told us how to clean the ears now with the tubes in, what to watch for, and what to be careful of.  He said that he's recovering and when he's awake they would call us back to recovery.  Well, within five minutes they called us back to the recovery room.  Bryce WAS SO PISSED, I have not heard him cry like he did since he was an infant.  Also he was very very scared.  I had his bottle ready, fed him, and he was still a little upset.  He didn't really calm down fully until he realized we were leaving.  He did manage to wave bye bye to the recovery nurses as we were leaving.  As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot he crashed and slept like a rock during the ride home(we live about 20 minutes away from the surgical center).  When we got home I made his breakfast.  He ate and then he played happily like nothing ever happened.  He then took a 2 and a half hour nap and woke up and played again like all was well.

They told us the day of the surgery he would be clingy, dizzy, and sleepy.  None of those applied.  He actually took about 8 steps on his own that day and that's the farthest he's walked so far.  So much for dizzy!  His naps were a little longer though which was nice as I was exhuasted from being up so early.

We also transitioned him to whole milk over the last week and that's went really well.  Saturday we took his last bottle.  My best friend bought him so really cool sippy cups that light up and he seemed to really dig them.  This morning he took his morning sippy, drank an ounce and threw the damn thing across the room and started crying.  I knew he wanted his bottle.  He's still only 11 months old and I don't want to be the bottle Nazi so instead of fighting it I put his milk into a bottle for him.  I knew his morning bottle was going to be hardest to drop.  That's the only bottle he has left, the rest have been gone for a while.  I'm going to keep trying but he's still young so I'm not going to force it. 

One reason is that it's kind of hard for me to let go of that bottle also  because it means my little baby is a little man now and it's so bitter sweet.

Things they don't tell you

When you adopt a child.

A good friend asked me the other day a really inquisitive question about adopting.  Good friend had a horrific loss.  Her placenta abrupted at 28 weeks and she lost the baby.  She then almost lost her life.  I think I bloggedabout it previously, but I was so thankful that I got to see her beautiful baby girl in the hospital.  Good friend had five previous losses before the birth of her daughter.  Good friend developed a really funky heart condition after the birth/death of her daughter and was told by the doctor if she tried to have another baby she would die and more than likely so would the baby again.

So good friend has decided to move forward with adoption.  Anyway, long story short.  It's been a very hard decision for her husband and her.  I mean coming to terms with never have a bio-child is a hard bullet to bite in the beginning.  For me, it took a while to wrap my mind around the concept, as for her.  But, after all the our struggles I just finally came to the realization that I wanted to be a mother and sometimes things happen differently than you expect.  As with good friend, she's reached the point where she wants to be a mother regardless in which way that it happens.

Okay, back to the point of this post.

 She asked "does it bother you that he doesn't look like you or your husband?"  In which I clearly stated "no".  Because what's so funny is he acts just like the both of us.  With adoption or at least with my experience with my son.  His little personality is starting to really shine now that he's approaching the one year mark. Maybe I'm incredibly lucky but I swear this kid acts like he is our total genetic make up.  As I told her adoptive childwill take on your same facial expressions, smiles, and, mannerisms, and other traits . It's really neat.  I mean I don't think much about the fact that he doesn't favor my husband or I(as in looks). I am constantly laughing at the fact that he imitates my smiles, gestures,  or something silly that I've did that day. 

Bryce is a total cornball like his mother.  Especially around bath time, he's normally incredibly tired and he flips into silly mood.  For example tonight.  He's clamping his hands splashing around in the water.  I pick his fishy up and tell him the fishy goes (insert funny face) and he immediately breaks out into a hysterical laugh and then starts doing the same facial gestures.  We are both laughing so hard, I myself am at the point of crying.  My husband hears all the laughing and comes in to check us out.  He shakes his head and mumbles that we both have lost our minds.  This my friend is what it's about.  It's about being a mom.  Nope, he might not look like me, and nope I can't find one single thing on his whole entire body that resembles anything on my body, but in so MANY other ways, he's entirely ME. 

Picking him up from daycare and watching him sprint to get to me as soon as he sees me, pulling up onto me and wrapping his arms around my neck.  That my friend is priceless.  Hearing him say mama is better than hitting the biggest jackpot lottery, because to be truthful I have hit the lottery!

What you also might need to be aware of which looking back I know experienced is PAD(post adoption depression).  I was not aware of PAD when I was in it and didn't find out about PAD until I was out of it. 

With my experience, we were so very happy that we were finally placed but then you're so sleep deprived it's horrific.  In my case, we had 4 hours to prepare.  I thought I could still do it all(which I quickly learned that I couldn't).I still tried to work, balance this new little being into what my life, I mourned my old life(the freedom in all honestly), and I never thought that I was going to be able to do anything for myself again.  I also thought that I was the only one who could do things properly for Bryce.  I was scared to sleep(he might quit breathing) and I was grieving for Bryce's birth-mother.  Every single time I would try to get some sleep I would cry.  I would cry for Bryce's birth-mother as her eye's would haunt me.  I could see the pain in her eyes over and over again in my mind .  Yet, I knew that she was very happy with her decision.  But, the pain was still in her eyes. It's a weird situation/relationship with bio-mother/adoptive mother.  I was really, really, protective over her.  Our adoption is not open so it's not like I know this woman like I know my friends.  But it's a very strange dynamic.  I was not expecting to have the feelings of love that I had for this woman.  Or to feel the pain for her all in one.

 My idiotic mother in law made the mistake of making a comment about Bryce's birth mother that was not so nice and I completely lost my shit on her.  This woman entrusted me to raise and love her son, she gave me a chance to be a mother, something I NEVER thought was going to happen.  I told MIL that I better NEVER hear her speak another comment like that about Bryce's bio-mother EVER again.  Trust me, she got the point.  I think it was the 2ND night that Bryce had been home when that comment was made and I was working on about 8 hours of sleep in 3 days!  It wasn't pretty people! 

Plus, in all honesty I just wasn't prepared.  I mean 4 hours.  It was a shock.  A complete shock.  I didn't have the nine months to prepare.  I didn't even have a crib set up.  What's weird is the crib was shoved in the closet as I couldn't stand the thought of seeing a crib in our spare bedroom that a baby might not ever be in.  So I shoved it in our closet.  3 days before Bryce came into our lives, I pulled the crib out for some strange reason and put up in our other spare bedroom  Weird, I know....  But, I had no baby room, no diapers, not bottles, no clothing, blankets, no nothing.  Totally unprepared.

Anyway, PAD hit. But it was not severe.  I was so very happy to have him, but so very not prepared for all that it involved.  In some ways I was so very selfish before Bryce and self absorbed.  I mean for 34 years it had been "all about me".  Yes, we have pets, and yes, I have a wonderful niece that I have had almost every weekend since she was born.  But, it's just not the same a rasing a child of your own.

PAD is real people! If you are getting ready to adopt just read a little up on it so you will know that you aren't crazy and you aren't alone!  Like the article states, knowing is half the battle.  Luckily once I started sleeping and letting go of the whole "I have to do it all" theory things started getting much better.  Plus just getting adjusted to it all took a little time for us/me. I had all the classic symptoms minus the suicidal thougths though.  I even lost about 10 pounds in about 2 weeks.  And I wasn't trying as I had lost  20 pounds previously from diet and exercise.  That was the quickest I had ever lost 10 pounds in my entire life whithout trying in my whole entire life.

People who knew me really could see what was going on and thought I looked awful.  The random strangers that thought I just delivered a newborn thought I Iooked great.  Of course they did! I was strolling my newborn around weighing a buck of five with NO signs of any kind of stomach/gut.  As half the time I didn't have time to  even sleep, let alone eat.  If I had to pick sleep or eat at the time it was always sleep.  Too bad the gut is back though...  It was nice while it lasted.

In all honesty, I would do it again in heartbeat and I wouldn't change a thing.  I can say that now because I get sleep:) and it was worth it.  Ask me that same question 11 months ago and I might offer you a different answer.

Ethnicity

Monday we followed up with Bryce's doctor on his ear infection.  3 rounds of antibiotics later for his left ear and we finally got a referral to an ENT.  It's still infected.  They called yesterday and his consult in the 22nd. Enough is enough.  I think this is actually his seventh or eighth ear infection, honestly, I've lost count.  If tubes means no more ear infections and no more antibiotics.  Man, I'm all for it!  

I've had several people ask me over the last 10 months what was Bryce's ethnic background.  I've never mentioned it on the blog as to me it's no big deal.  And to be honest, I really don't think it's something worth a blog posting about but since you've asked or are curious, I'm posting.  He's adorable(yes, I'm partial), thriving, healthy(minus the shitty ears), and soon to be all mine(legally) and that's what is the most important to me.  And that he thrives as a child and turns into a successful adult.  To know that he's loved and is precious gift, is  the big stuff to me.

As you all know we had to publish and terminate unknown birth father's rights, which has held us up with the adoption process.  When I spoke to Bryce's Birth mother in the hospital she had told our social worker and us that the birth father was African American.  His his birth mother was Caucasian(blond hair blue eyes). We presume, going with what his birth mother said, that his birth father is African American.  Lots of people that we encounter look at me, then my husband(he's also Caucasian), and then at Bryce.  Then they often look back at all of us again as if trying to figure things out.  It's strange.  I don't see people as "colors" so to speak.  I was raised in a family where you never heard any kind of racial slurs. We were taught to love people for what is inside of their hearts and for who they are instead of what the color of their skin is.

When we went into this adoption process we were clearly asked what nationality we were open to and what we were willing to accept for placements.  I checked  all, it simply didn't/doesn't matter to me...

When I was in DC  a friend came in to see one of our good friends that had flown in to the states.  No one in our group really knew her and I was really flabbergasted with several comments that she made.  Her daughter was stunning, one of the prettiest little girls I've ever seen.  When I commented to her  mother how beautiful her daughter was she made the comment that she's "too dark".  It absolutely floored me.  One, her daughter is Filipino(as her mother), and two, she made this comment in front of her five/six year old daughter.  I think I would much rather teach my daughter to "embrace" her beautiful skin coloring than to teach her to be embarrassed because she is "too dark"! I mean in who's fucking eyes is she too dark? For fuck's sake, this is this child's heritage, she should be proud of!  It made me sad.  Then it made me really angry.  I mean selfesteem starts  so young in children and that comment ended up really upsetting me the more I thought about it and stewed over it.  I more than likely would have said something to this woman but as the night progressed she made several other stupid comements and she was really just ignorant, you can't fix ignorance.  I can not imagine EVER telling Bryce he is too frickin dark. I hate thinking of this woman and the damage that she did to her daughter with that one little comment.

I guess because I realized at that momentthat  if she thought her daughter was too dark, what would she thing of my son?  Who is bi-racial and part African American, who's skin was just as dark and as lovely as her daughters?  I mean is his skin coloring too dark for you also?  Ah, I'm getting pissed again thinking about it. I know I might be over reacting here and I know that I might be a little over sensitive with people who make stupid comments, but it's such ignorance and it pisses me off. Then whole self confidence thing and teaching children to be proud of what they are and where they came from means so much to me. 

I really don't think of Bryce's nationality in all honesty if you want me to be truthful.  It really seldom crosses my mind.  I think more along the lines of why the hell do you have to say daddy ever five minutes, what's wrong with mommy?  Keep your shoes on Bryce, stay out of the cabinets Bryce, your whinny because you molars are cutting and you ear hurts and I'm so sorry honey, etc...

 He's my son and I love him and if his skin color was blue, pink, orange, green, or white.  I would still love him.  He's my Bryce and he's my heart...  So there you have it. I guess that's why you've never heard me talk about his nationality/ethnic background because it's never really been an issue to us as I said previously, I don't see people as colors, I see what's in the heart.  We were open to any child  when we started the adoption process and we were blessed with him.