Sorry, no pictures of the horses yet. I just didn't get around to it this weekend. I will post animal pictures eventually. I know, I know, bad blogger.
Anyhoo... Moving right along.
I was just thinking of this upcoming IVF cycle(imagine that). IVF #3. I didn't think I would have to do this shit this many times. It's really IVF #4, but it's hard for me to count my FET as a cycle. A lot of IVFer's don't consider a FET a "real" cycle. I do. For me, my FET cycle was tuff. The whole thaw process sucks. All of this sucks, who am I kidding?
Fresh, frozen, what the heck is the difference? The 2 week wait is still the 2 week wait. You know, the only difference with a FET is you don't get the good retrieval drugs and you have far less shots(sometimes). It's still the same emotionally, if you ask me. Unless you're going Au Natural... You're still amped up on estrogen and various other drugs depending on your protocol. You still have to inject the hell oil. So there, that's my opinion on FETs vs fresh cycles. They both are stressful and emotionally draining!
Why is it that IVF works for some many people? And then, there are a few of us stragglers that it seems to fail miserably for? It's just not fair. What makes me sick is this. If I lived up north or in certain other states IVF would be a couple of 20 dollar co-pays.
I mean, what is it, 6 IVF cycles are covered by insurance in some states? I'm so happy that there is coverage in certain states but it's truly unfucking fair for us poor women who don't have coverage. There should be one standard rule for all insurance companies. It's crap if you ask me! Every insurance company should cover IVF when it's medically needed to conceive a child. Not for those poor souls who didn't get pregnant within a year of trying. That just didn't have the patience, that have to get pregnant now because not getting pregnant is not what their 3 year plan is about. I'm talking about those that have no tubes, no sperm, severe endo, and no way of conceiving without IVF... It should be mandated and covered! I don't understand.
I guess that's why when my friend's mother told me the other week that, "You're too selfish to have children!" I about stroked out. How can someone say this to me and know the situation I am in? This lady is well aware of my situation. I've been friends with her daughter for over 20 years, and in some ways, she is like my second mother.
I mean I've spent well over $35,000 dollars. Endured several surgeries, countless injections, 2 egg retrievals, 3 transfers, but I'm too selfish? What did you do to have your 4 children? Smoked some weed, drank some alcohol, laid down with your husband, and well there you go. But, I'm selfish?
Let's see I've did acupuncture, stopped smoking, stopped drinking, injected myself with millions of hormones, worried about what went into my body for months, under went countless doctor appointments, and spent all the extra money I've made and saved, just to be able to afford one more chance at having a baby. Yeah, I'm so selfish.
You know, I should have just said to her... You go through one egg retrieval without anesthesia and we'll talk about who's selfish? Have a balloon stuck up your ute for 2 weeks with the worst cramps you've ever experienced, survive an ectopic explosion, a couple of retrievals, and let's see how many children you have? She won't have any, I promise! What a bitch. I wonder how I manage to contain myself some days.
To all you Infertile Sisters still stuck in the trenches. I'm so sorry, I understand your pain. I hate it for all of us, but you must admit. We are some tuff bitches... We endure more than the average. So many unwanted comments and judgments. So much heartache. To each of you, I do hope that your dreams come true one day.
What to do next? I mean how am I going to deal with these comments once I've finished this cycle and moved on if this doesn't work? It makes me so very sad to think of never cycling again. I know this is going to be one of my last chances at having a biological chid.
I'm not giving too much excitement into getting into the shared risk. Quite frankly, I don't know if we could swing the drugs for the shared risk and if I do re-test with acceptable fsh...
We had to cancel our extra insurance policy. So I no longer have drug coverage. I still want to be able to adopt if this doesn't work. I don't want to be so strapped that we can't afford adoption.
This shit just sucks and I can not say it enough. There will never be no surprise pregnancies for me. And if you are in the same boat as I, you know that alone is very hard to swallow. It sucks to know that you can't make love to your husband and become pregnant. That even if you try with all your might, pray with every ounce of faith, it will never happen. You even keep believing that maybe in a couple of years you will have your child. Nope, those dreams are long gone in Nomad's Land. And it sucks that people just don't understand that. That they think you are selfish...
Judgmental assholes I say! Hum.. Maybe I have a tiny touch of PMS? Or the lovely estrogen is finally starting to mess with me!
