Nomad's Land

As Predicted...

It's a negative!

I went in 2 days early for my beta/hcg on Friday, low and behold it was negative.  Big shocker, seriously not, I knew it was coming.  Glad that my ob/gyn was nice enough to let me come in on Friday so I could quit injecting the PIO. 

I’m not really upset, it’s kind of weird.  I guess I had my pity party at days 6-9(past transfer) and then said that’s enough.  Things could be worse as I said in my last posting.  I’m very thankful for my life.  I have a wonderful husband; I love my job 99 percent of the time, I am fortunate to have the opportunity to be able to even attempt IVF again.  Even though I am now making a car payment for the next 18 months with nothing to show for it, at least I have had the chance to try.  I’m trying not to be bitter about the fact that I’m forking over a monthly car payment (like a new car payment) for this last attempt, with nothing to show for it but a big huge box of empty needles...  I knew going into this that this part would sting the most about the cycle not working and I’m trying hard just to deal with it.  So far it’s going okay, but so far I’ve only made my first payment.

Last Thursday I called our local dive shop and signed up for scuba diving classes.  I should be certified to scuba dive at the end of the month.  I knew this cycle was a bust, and I needed something to look forward too besides, when we can afford our next treatment?

So, my first class was last night.  Things went well and I find it extremely exciting.  B and I are planning a trip to Cozumel next year.  I’m very excited about this, finally a vacation and something to look forward too.  I actually might even be going to the Florida Keys to get certified for my dives, but that is still up in the air.

When we were married we spent our honeymoon in Cancun and took a boat out and snorkeled.  My husband was so frustrated because we couldn’t dive, I was not certified then.  So when I called my husband Thursday and told him I was signing up for dive class he was actually excited. It’s something he loves to do, and it’s something we can do together.  And maybe just maybe it will get him excited about taking vacations.  The man doesn’t believe in vacations, he works entirely too hard.  I on the other hand could travel the world if I had the money and never work again. I love traveling and it’s something I miss due to the fact that every last penny we have earned has been going towards surgeries, IVF’s, or other various procedures.  So enough of that, I’m through.

I still haven’t discussed where to proceed from here, like I said before I’m trying not to think about it at the moment.  I don’t actually want to talk about it as I don’t know myself?  I don’t know how I feel at the moment.  I’m glad my husband isn’t pushing the issue either.  God, I do love him. I know in my heart that no other man could have stood all of these trials and tribulations that we have had, in four years(almost five) we have had 3 miscarriages, 4 surgeries, 3 failed IVF’s, and one failed FET.  Do you see why I want to be normal for a while?  I mean the first five years of our marriage it has constantly something. I need a break, I can’t say that I won’t try IVF again, if I had the insurance coverage to cover all procedures, I’m sure that I would.  But, right now, I just can’t do it because I feel it’s never going to work for us.

While I was in dive class last night, one of the girls asked me if we had children, we were being tested on treading water when she asked, we had to tread for ten minutes.  Talk about wanting to drown someone, instead of answering no, and explaining why.  I just said no and dropped it.  I’m glad she didn’t ask why?  I would have had to drown her and I believe that would have definitely got me kicked out of class. 

So that’s about it…  Nothing more for me to say except, thank you all for all of the support.  I would be lost with out my online friends.  You guys mean the world to me. Seriously, from the heart, you guys are the best!

A Little Perspective and Regroup

Looks like that’s what I need a good dose of!  I decided after yesterday enough of the madness and I swore the evil pee sticks off.  I’m calling my IVF nurse today and begging for beta for Friday instead of Monday so that I can quit the PIO. No need to inject myself for no apparent reasons.

A little on putting things in perspective…  July 4^th, as I sat watching TV and was feeling incredibly sorry for myself the news was airing a story on our men in our military, that have survived horrific battle wounds.  Like I’m talking one guy had his leg and arm blown off and was burnt all over his entire body.  This man was fighting for our country (though I don’t necessarily agree with this war).  I thought to myself, Kimmer, get a grip.  Look at this poor soul, things could be a whole lot worse.  It really put things in perspective for me.  It’s not the end of the world that this cycle failed.  And it’s not the end of the world that I may never have my own biological child. Get a grip!  Though this cycle is negative, I would rather deal with a negative blow than going down the path of another miscarriage, chemical, or beta hell.  I’ve been down the negative path 4 times now and though it’s not the easiest, I’m getting quite use to it!  So my pity party for myself is over folks, no need, I can't control IVF, and it's not going to control me.

My husband (God I love that man) actually brought up the adoption talk first this go around.  This is huge guys, really huge.  I mean I knew before this cycle that he was kind of there, because after my last failed cycle we had several rational discussions about adoption.  And viewing pictures of the TOTS and hearing their story helped him out a lot(thank you E for sharing everything and for the talk after the septum diagnosis, you don’t know how much you helped me).  But, I guess I was just completely surprised when he brought the adoption talk up first for once.  He said honey I didn’t marry you to breed I married you because I love you.  We can adopt, and we will have our child.  Normally after a failed cycle it’s a knock down drag out about adopting.  But, we are finally, after 4 years of this shit, on the same page and I can’t tell you how good it all feels and how relieving it is to me.

So, I’m taking a little down time, re-grouping and then coming back with a vengeance, my plan is to not think about my infertility for at least 2 months.  I will not discuss it with the hubster; I want to feel normal for a couple of months (if possible) and try to get half-ass back to normal.  Then from there who knows?

I will answer the tag, in my next post.  Sorry, I've been too busy! 

ETA-  How many fucking typos can one make and many times can one republish today!  Jezz....

NEGATIVE

I suppose I should let everyone know what’s going on with the pee stick action.  Negative, all 1000 pee sticks that I have christened with my non pregnant pee, negative.

I really didn’t expect this to work, and please for the love of GOD, don’t tell me it’s too early because I’m nine days past transfer and something should be showing up by now!

I should have bought the boat!

Dreams

It’s 4 in the morning and I just had a crazy dream.  A dream that I was pregnant with twins, my high tech u/s that I received at 5 or 6 days past transfer showed two fiery balls of implantation.  One looked like it implanted perfect, one was debatable.  This of course was on the high tech scan with color copies of the u/s.  It was really neat, I didn’t know who the fathers of my implanted embryos were, but I was happy they decided to stick around.  Of course this dream was all very futuristic. A u/s at five or 6 days past transfer that would show when your embryos decided to implant?  Would that not be the best?  No more torture of the two week wait, you just go get a scan and get a cool colored picture, oh sometimes dreams are so nice. 

I get up to pee and face the reality of my current situation that no this probably didn’t work.  And in my dream tonight all of my embryos would have made it to blast and been frozen if I could have had it my way.  Which they didn’t.

None to freeze folks, I kind of wish I would have held off asking my IVF nurse about the left over embryos yesterday, it didn’t play well on the morale.  NONE TO FREEZE.  Fuck, now I wish I would have put the whole fucking gang back.

What was I thinking? I wasn’t.  I was listening to some dumbass embryologist worried I just might get fucking pregnant with quadruplets.  HA FUCKING HA!  So very funny, you bitch.  Do you know whose uterus we are transferring these bad boys into?  Do you understand?  I think not!

I think my poor husband is taking it just as bad as I am.  I guess because he knows this is our last chance too.  He said to me over the phone, damn honey, please let this work so we don’t have to worry about it and we can have one child and be done with this mess.  I told him B, if I would have known they weren’t going to make it I would have transferred at least 7.  He said yeah, but we thought they were going to make it. He’s trying to hold on to a glimmer of hope that this might have worked and I hate the fact that I may never be able to give this man a son or daughter, that is my dream.  It wouldn’t hurt so badly if I didn’t know for a fact that he would be the world’s best father.  But I do know and he would be.

I’m sitting here crying at almost 4 in the morning and I hate this shit so much.  Just fucking hate the fact that money and a shitty uterus (probably crappy eggs also) may keep us from ever having our own biological child.  It sucks.  I don’t understand the fact that there are millions of people who can reproduce at the drop of a dime and take their precious miracles for granted.  They abuse their children and are horrific.  I don’t get this universe anymore.  Just don’t fucking get it!  It makes me question what life is about. 

Bring in the clowns people because I need something at the moment…

Anxious

Can I please tell you how much I wish I had started this blog; let’s say humm… 3 fucking years ago when I started this IVF process, actually almost 4 years now.  I don’t remember how I felt after my fresh transfers.  I don’t remember if I had cramps or what.  I don’t remember hardly anything.  I do remember some cramping and then it leaving and then the negative beta and then all the anger that follows…  Such a vicious cycle.

I do know that today I am 3 days past transfer and I’ve had the worst cramps since yesterday.  I actually went to the bathroom to check my panties as I thought for sure my period had come, only to find a big glob of clear mucous stuff.  Interesting?  I’m so fucking scared, I’m so scared this didn’t work again.  I kind of want to stay in the 2ww forever because then I know there is still a possibility that I may be pregnant.

I’m working a half a day today and I’m happy about that.  It will make the day go by much faster and focus my mind on other things beside what the hell was that twinge about.  I’m excited to get back to work and see my girls.  I’ve been off for almost a week.  While I have enjoyed being home since ER, and not having to answer to anyone, I do miss my salon.  I’m ready to go back and bust some balls…. Yeah right!

I’m really getting a little anxious to know if my left over embryos made it to blast.  If they didn’t that could explain my past IVF failures (minus the septum).  But, if my embryos aren’t strong enough to go to blast then once they are transferred I sure they just quit growing and dividing and the black hole of death reabsorbs them.  This will at least explain some things in a half ass way.  Make sense?

As I said yesterday the hpt’s are going to make their appearance this Tuesday, the more I think about this the more I’m debating.  I might hold off if possible until Friday now.  I just don’t know, Tuesday is a little early, it’s only 8 days past transfer.  I just don’t want to drop a bomb on myself.  I do remember the feelings of a negative pee stick that I haven’t forgotten.

We shall see…

House Arrest Is Over

I’m SPRUNG, yes siree, I’m off couch arrest or bed rest, couldn’t be happier as it makes Kimmer a very anxious person.  At 2 this afternoon I am free to resume normal activities besides intercourse, heavy lifting, partaking in spirits, and smoking cigarettes…  Normal enough I guess.

We transferred 4 embryos.  They were all 8 cells and all grade 4.  Which 4 is the best at my clinic.  The embryologist only wanted us to transfer 3 due to the high grade but the hubby and I insisted on 4.  The embryologist then went into the whole spill on how we were at higher risks for a multiple birth.  That’s where I had to laugh.  I said lady, I’ve transferred 3 before and it hasn’t got me anywhere so I’m okay with 4.  I’m actually okay with the 9 that I have right now.  You should have seen the look on her face when I said that, yeah, fuck with me and see what happens!  So the hubby and I had to sign a consent form saying that we were transferring more than they recommended, blah, blah, blah!

Transfer went very smoothly beside the fact that my bladder felt like it was going to fucking explode.  This is the first transfer I’ve ever had to have a full bladder on, and where they used u/s guidance.  Let me tell you, Dr. Wonderful about got peed on when he was pushing the little u/s thingy down on my belly.  Oh my God, that is pure torture.  My lining was a 9 and striped, Dr. Wonderful said all looked perfect and I think he got a little kick out of me putting my foot down on the 4.  It actually made him chuckle.  To tell you the truth, if I had to transfer today, I would have gone with five.  I feel so desperate at this point and the multiple birth thing just doesn’t freak me out anymore.  Ha, like I’ll ever get multiples, let alone pregnant from IVF.

The acupuncture before and after transfer was completely wonderful, normally I’m so impatient after transfer that I’m ready to go and get the hell out of the clinic.  Well, with the acupuncture I just wanted to sleep.  Not once did it cross my mind, what time is it or can we go now?  I highly recommend acupuncture before and after transfer if your clinic will do it!  It’s well worth every penny that I spent just to chill me the hell out.

So beta is July the 10^th.  The evil pee sticks will make their appearance on July the 4^th.  I should be 8 days past transfer by then. 

The remaining embryos are being cultured until day 6.  I guess my clinic is very strict about what they freeze.  So if I have any remaining by day 6, they will freeze them.  I was told to call next week to find out about the remaining embryos.  That sucks, more waiting.  I’m not totally sure if I am correct on this but I think I had a 7, 7, 6, 4, and a 2 left.  I’m pretty sure the 2 and 4 cell will quite dividing as they were very slow at day 3.  But, hopefully the 7’s and the 6 will continue to grow for me.  Who knows?

So that’s it folks, I am now in the mist of the 2ww, let the obsessing begin!

Time For Transfer

Well, looks like transfer is still on.  All is still dividing and looking excellent.  Those are the actual that Nurse Niceness used.  Can you believe she used excellent?  Transfer is set for

1:30

tomorrow, I’m excited.  I really need to take my Valium tonight so I can rest but I will save it for transfer tomorrow.

I also have acupuncture before and after ET tomorrow.  While I’ve had acupuncture treatments with all of my cycles, including this one, I’ve never been lucky enough to have a clinic that has a licensed acupuncturist on staff to do acupuncture before and after ET. It’s costing us 250 dollars to use her, but what the hell, after forking out all this money for all of my cycles (out of pocket) 250 is a drop in the ole bucket! I should be super relaxed between the Valium and the acupuncture.  Let’s hope so!

Dr. Wonderful is very strict about bed rest, stricter than any of my previous REs.  So I will not be allowed to drive home tomorrow evening.  He will not allow any of his patients to drive over 2 hours.  We are looking at about a 3 hour drive, so I booked us a room about five seconds from my RE’s office.  I can not get up except to use the rest room for 24 hours after transfer.  The hotel we are staying at gave us a discount for being a patient at my clinic also.  What normally would have cost 115.00 dollars a night is only costing us 60 dollars.  Hey, I’ll take what I can get.  I’m sure I will be having severe withdrawals from the internet after transfer tomorrow; I don’t own a lap top though I should.  I believe I am going to go mad without internet access.  Note to self, invest in a damn laptop Kimmer!

At this point in time I am wanting to say fuck it and transfer all the embryos, I really don’t want to mess around with a FET, but I am thankful that I will have the option (I hope) to do a FET. I really truly didn’t expect to have nine embryos.  For those of you who know me, with my previous cycles, I’ve never produced over five mature eggs.  It’s amazing what a competent RE can do for a girl.  At least I know if this doesn’t work, which this was my last cycle, I still am not totally out of the game yet.

So, now I must pack, get ready for my second injection of the hell oil and try to get some rest.  Big day tomorrow for me, seriously never thought I would make it this far.

I shall return on Tuesday! 

Got Patience?

Patience is not one of my virtues, not at all.  So, I decided to put a little phone call in to the clinic to check on my eggs.  How many were mature, how many fertilized?  The nurse that answered the phone was nice enough to try to find out for me.  She said she would find out the scoop and call me back.

An hour later my phone rang, it was Nurse Niceness.  We had 9 mature eggs out of the 13.  9 fertilized on their own with no ICSI.  I started to cry, with both previous IVF cycles we used ICSI do the low volume of eggs I produced.  We were too scared to let them go on their own, even though my last clinic tried to push letting them go on their own.

I am so very thankful and happy at the moment.  I can’t believe that I have 9 fertilized eggs.  I know that things could change by tomorrow and waiting for my embryologist to call tomorrow is going to be insane.  But, for now, I’ll take my nine.

On another note, I can’t quit eating.  OMG, it does no good for me to be at home all day.  I have eaten about 500 little meals/snacks.  I can’t quit stuffing my face.  If I keep this up by next week I’m going to be 20 pounds heavier.  Now I know where the IVF weight comes from, boredom.

I’m seriously going to try to get out of the house tomorrow and do a little shopping.  I want to be comfortable for transfer (if we make it).  I decided I need some new yoga/Capri pants.  Plus, I think walking around will do me some good.  I’ve been stuck in the house all day long today and I’m ready to get out.  I need fresh air, but to tell you the truth, it’s kind of been nice doing nothing.  I normally never get days like today….

And The Number Is...

13 is the lucky number today folks, 13.  I’m not sure what all is mature and what isn’t but that’s how many eggs were retrieved form Rim and Limpy (new name form my ovaries).  Rim is giving me a fit tonight.  Very sore this evening, and not quite sure what the hell is up with that… 

I will find out fertilization results on Sunday, will someone please knock me out until then?  I think tomorrow will be the hardest as I’m completely worn out this evening.  I’ve slept most of the day today, of course, minus a few computer breaks, got to get my addictions in.  Priorities people!

Transfer will be Monday afternoon if I make it that far.

I have to say, for those of you who remember.  My brother has been living with us for the last 3 months.  Can I tell you how much I love that man?  I walked into a spotless, clean, beautiful house this evening.  He also cooked dinner for the hubster and me, all on his own with no one pestering him, I guess he scored some big time sister brownie points this evening.  Both my husband and brother have been extremely helpful this evening and very sweet, which is nice for a change.  Normally they are ganging up and pestering the shit out of me. 

On another note this may be entirely too much information and excuse me for putting it out there, but on my release papers it states that I need to get things moving in the bowel department.  That I should have a really good bowel movement before ET, that if I haven’t been regular I should drink some Milk of Magnesia.  Note to self- wait until the day after retrieval to try this out.  It has done nothing but produce some serious cramping and very bad gas pains.  OY!

Back to bed for me with some serious gas pains that could require narcotics (I am egg free at the moment)…  I know entirely too much information!

Ready For Retrieval

I really don’t remember ever being this miserable before any of my retrievals, I actually know for a fact, last go around I wasn’t even bloated.  But, I do remember with my first IVF, I was pretty miserable.

Embryo retrieval is tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning and I have to be at my clinic by 8 am for post op stuff.  This means that the hubster and I must be on the road by 5 in the morning... 

I’m extremely worn out today, I had to work today and I was contemplating canceling on my clients but I couldn’t do it.  I would feel entirely too guilty when some have waited for weeks to get their hair done.  I’m so bloated I couldn’t even button my pants today.  YUCK…

I’m really hoping my eggs aren’t cooked.  Last scan revealed some pretty large follicles that I know are going to be shot all to hell.  I’m just hoping that some of my smaller ones make it.  At the very least a couple of good eggs please dear fertility gods...

I’m also worried about OHSS, people have told me that have triggered with higher E-2’s than mine, but every person’s body is different.  I’ve never had E-2’s over 4,000.  Hopefully they are on the decline, but at the last blood drawl the day after my coasting they were still on the rise….

It’s going to be a long day tomorrow, I’m hoping the retrieval drugs zonk me out for the long ride home!

Yes, I've published this five million times, my posting is acting wonky again..  One more thing to get on my nerves tonight, and I thought blogger was a pita!