Nomad's Land

Four and A Half Months

House of sickness, that would be my house.  This past month I've suffered a nasty stomach virus and now I'm getting over a horrendous cold, almost thought last Monday as I was laying in bed crying like a 2 year old that it was the flu.  But, I'm feeling much better now.  Can I tell you that I'm so sick of being sick?  My husband was hit with the stomach virus and the cold also.  The cold was much easier on him though, no fever for him.

Luckily, little B has managed to not catch any of the two evils.  I hate to even type that because I know for sure he'll come down with something now. 

Where has a month went?  Let's see, we had Little B Christened/baptized 3 weeks ago Sunday.  He was a complete angel, not one little peep during Church and it was a very long ceremony.  He's quit rolling over from tummy to back, I have no clue what that is about?  He's also teething now.  Good times, his chin is a complete red rash and his sleep has went all to shit.  Now it has seemed to get better this week.  He actually slept all night long last night, amazing. When he's not trying to chomp down on anything that is close to his mouth he's really cute.  He's getting really vocal and almost doing a big belly laughs now.  He smiles a lot, I mean a lot and is really a happy little fellow considering the teething issues...

He was 18 weeks last Tuesday, crazy how time flies.  We started him on cereal in the mornings two weeks ago.  The first couple of feedings were funny and then not so funny.  He would make the craziest face, like that's yucky.  Then he choked a little the first two times I fed him cereal, that was scary.  Now he's eating like a champ.  I actually can't get the damn spoon to his mouth fast enough.  I've learned to give him a little of his bottle first, then feed the cereal.  Kind of knocks the hunger off, and then I can feed him a little slower.

His 4 month shots were today, that was horrible as usual.  He was playing happily, cooing and laughing,  then the mean nurse came in and stuck him twice in the leg, good times.

We definitely don't have a problem in the the weight gain department.  With his check up today he is weighing 18.5 pounds.  I would have sworn it would have been twenty something pounds with how heavy he feels. He's in the 95 percentile for his weight.  He just went though another growth spurt and is out of all of his 3 to 6 months clothes.  And most of his 6 months don't even fit him either.  And his 6 to 9 months clothing are starting to get a little tight. I think I'm raising a giant... 

Things are crazy with me, I have little time to do anything.  Between working, taking care of Bryce.  It's just crazy how little time you have for yourself.  I never realized how high maintance I was.  But, I'm loving every minute of being a mom and it seems to get better each month.  My husband scored huge brownie points over Valentines. He sent me flowers from Bryce, then flowers from himself.  He also bought me a spa package at our local Golf/country club.  Which includes a 1 hour massage, pedicure, lunch, and a manicure.  Plus relaxing dips in the heated mineral pools.  I go this Monday and it can not get here quick enough.

Here are some recent pictures.

Ringing in the Month

Little B is a month old today and he brought his one month anniversary in with a bang yesterday.  I noticed he was incredible fussy yesterday.  Then I noticed he was soiling more diapers than usual.  Being a new mom I thought to myself well, he's getting it all out so to speak.  Well, that's when the puking started, followed by lots of crying, and feeling very warm.

We went to the doctors, he was running a fever of 100.1, he then proceeded to throw up on  himself and me twice at the doctor's office.  Man oh man, I thought I would lose it.  Well, I did.  I started crying like a big ole baby and have not felt so completely utterly helpless since the we were at the beach with my niece and she was so sick. 

I love his doctor, I mumbled something like "Mommy so sucks" through my tears and my doctor reassured me that I was doing a wonderful job, that stuff happens.  He made me feel so much better.  I think I needed the little pep talk from the doctor more than I realized.

We are also treating Little B for Thrush, the doctor was not 100 percent sure that it was Thrush but just to be on the safe side we are going a head with treatment.  I bawled all the way home, and little B cried the whole way home too.  We both were complete messes.  I know I bitch about me In-laws but they came in totally handy last night.  They came down and took care of him until my husband got home from work and let me sleep.  I should have known something was up the night before when little B would not sleep but an hour at a time.

He's feeling much better today.  He's nice and cool this morning and luckily no puking and only one stinky diaper.

On a more positive note he has gained in 2 weeks another pound and 2 ounces.  You should see his legs, the are getting all chunky and it's totally adorable.

I've come here

To post one thousand times.  I'm at a loss for words right now.  Thank you so much for all the lovely comments.  It's really surreal this whole adoption thing.  I'm so damn in love and so grateful, I really can't believe I'm still a mommy.

I was reading through comments the other night and I decided to go back to my post from a year ago.  Wow have things changed.  My post on grief literally brought me to tears.  Little Bebop was in his swing swinging like a little content baby and I shut my laptop, ran over, got him out of his swing, and loved on him like he was the last baby on this earth.  I literally had tears rolling down my face.  I just still can believe it sometimes.

Last year at this time we were just getting our feet wet with the process.  We were told over and over situations like ours never happen, well, they do obviously.  I really think that they should speak more of these situations to get adoptive/fostering parents prepared.  I mean I literally thought it would be a couple of years before we were ever placed.  I actually had lost hope that we would ever be placed.

My life will never ever be the same but it's a good never ever.  It was a huge shock never ever, but I've adjusted and I'm loving this life.  I actually got 7 hours of sleep last night too, so things are getting so much easier.   I'm such a newbie mom, in the beginning I was so very scared.  I'm now way more confident.  I also picked up a really good book that was recommended from my friend T.  "The Happiest Baby on the Block".  Highly recommend that to anyone with a newborn.  The swaddling is working tremendously and the shhhh stuff, I feel like the baby whisper or something.

My son is growing so quickly.  His 2 week check up was on Halloween.  In 12 days he has gained 1 pound and 3 ounces so obviously I'm feeding him enough and doing what I'm suppose to.  His doctor who attended to him in the hospital is the best.  He's so good with him and has such a nice bedside manner.  The nurses, well, you would think that little Bebop is a famous movie star or something, the way they fuss over him.  Made mommy feel very good and very proud.

I don't know where to go with this blog, as my struggles with infertility are still here, but I know for a fact that I will never ever pursue treatment again.  No more IVF, no more, that chapter in my life is finished now and a thing of the past.  I only wish that we would have pursued adoption sooner, but I think I needed that chapter in my life.  My struggles taught me a huge life lesson and have shaped me into what I am today.

So, I guess I'm going to need to change the title of this blog...I'm sure there is going to be a whole lot of talk of little B so I hope that no one gets hurt stumbling across this page from a link.  If I was computer savvy enough I would change it myself, but I think I shall have to contact Nello and let her do all the cool stuff.

I'll now leave you with a Halloween photo of my little pumkin...

Well, it seems I can't insert a photo?  What the hell?

A Tad Freaked

Don't even know what the hell to title this so I'm just going to kind of let it spew and see where it leads.

My second Mapp class was tonight.  Interesting mix of people, we did a little role playing getting the whole group of potential adopters and foster parents involved.  Well, let's just say I wasn't ready for the little role playing this evening. I ended up crying like a big ole baby, I hate when emotions hit me like that, bham, right out of the blue, I'm crying.  Not only that but I absolutely hate crying in front of people I don't know, hard enough for me to cry in front of loved ones let alone total strangers.

So role playing was very, very emotional for me, the situation was "Lillie" age six, Sue age 2, mother and father.  Father was laid off from work, tension built up in the family as father was the bread winner, mother didn't work.  Father ended up hitting Lilly giving her a concussion.  Family took Lillie to the hospital and were honest about the situation.  Officials and DSS were called but no immediate danger to Lillie. So she was sent home with her family.

Well, father decides over the weekend to go on a bender to blow off some steam, drinks and drives, goes to jail for the weekend for DWI and he also totaled the family car(the only car).  Mother is left home with children, pressure builds, father is in jail, mother is stressed, worried about the bills, "Lillie" is acting up because daddy is gone and she can sense the tension in the family.  Mother unleashes on her, lashes out, breaks her nose.  Back to the hospital.  DSS steps in, Lillie is removed and placed with foster family #1.

In foster family number 1, I am to play the bio-child and I am six also.  I welcome Lillie we play Barbie's and Lillie tells me that uncle Billy is doing weird things to her and she shows me with her dolls.  I tell my parents, my parents freak out call DSS and want Lillie removed immediately as they aren't ready to care for a sexually abused child.

Blah, blah, blah, the role playing goes on and eventually "Lillie" gets the happy ending.  Which sometimes happens but more often not.  DSS provides counseling for mom and daddy, the reunite Lilllie with the family, dad finds another job, Lillie gets counseling also for the sexual abuse and life is good.  Too fucking bad it doesn't always work like that.

Thinking of "Lillie" literally broke my heart, putting myself in "Lillie's shoes, oh God, I'm so thankful for my shoes at the moment.  Bringing to attention the needs of a child in that situation and the feelings of fault, guilt, abandonment, embarrassment and all the other emotions that would be swirling around in that little girl's head.  It was almost over whelming.  I had friend tell me that going through Mapp was not for the faint of heart, I had no clue.

I'm learning so much, so freaking much.  But, like I said lots of these situations are played out for couples fostering.  We are adopting so hopefully we won't have to worry about a "Lillie".  Another sad fact, 90 percent of children in the DSS are sexually abused.  I don't get it, breaks my fucking heart into one thousand little pieces.

Makes me understand why our profiles have over 100 questions on them ranging from our families to our sex life to how we view nudity. 

How do you view nudity in your household?  My answer, "Well I'm not running a nudist colony if that's what your wanting to know."

My husband was really pissed over the sex questions, I mean we've been poked and preyed enough by our RE, we didn't quite expect to have to go through it again here(it's totally not the same but it is), but here we are.  And when I hear these cases like Lillie's, I kind of understand why there are one thousand and fifty questions on my profile. 

Anyone can have a child(but me, the uterus of death), not everyone can adopt, I now understand why my social worker made this comment to me at our first meeting.

It's a lot to swallow people, a whole lot.  I did feel reassurance this evening when the instructor said that they absolutely do their best to place people who are wanting to adopt with situations that are open for adoption, kind of eased my heart a little.  That they really work hard in getting the needs of the potential parents met and the needs of the child.  So, that's a good thing I suppose, I hope it's not a crock of shit.

I've been through so much, I can't imagine having a child in my house for 12 months and the adoption falling through, the thought of that literally petrifies me....

Just Call Me

The class scribe, for those of you who know me, my handwriting sucks, and my spelling sucks even worse.  But, in true fashion I was appointed as the class scribe last night.

Class went well, very long and parts were kind of boring.  But, it was interesting getting acquainted with the different couples in our group.  The instructor mainly focused on "strengths and needs" of children and parents.

I'm sure the nitty gritty is coming.  I found it strange that most of the couples/people in class were looking more into fostering and wanted older children.  So, I'm really hoping the babies are being saved for moi!

Nothing else to report, next class is on Thursday. 

I'll try to work on a more insightful post between now and then, it's getting quite boring around her.

We're In

Thank you higher powers!  I just got off the phone with our social woker because the letter you are suppose to receive 2 weeks before you start your Mapp classes still has not arrived in our mailbox.  But, we are in this group and our classes start on Monday the 22nd.  I was told the letters were mailed out yesterday, so much for that 2 week notice huh?  More like 5 days.

I swear my stomach was in my throat when I was put on hold to see if we were in this group.  It was kind of like the ole beta phone call, that's all I can compare it too. 

Finally a start, I'm so excited!

Rain Out

So this weekend seems to be a wash out as in getting the nursery stuff.  It's raining today so we decided to not make the trip.  I think we'll wait for a nice weekend.  I just don't want to drive 2 hours with nursery stuff and risk it getting ruined by the rain.  So, instead I spent this weekend watching my lovely little niece.

I think someone asked if the nursery stuff is nice.  Yes, I'm sure it is.  It's about 4 or 5 years old and my husband's cousin is a fancy dancy interior decorator so I'm about 100 percent sure that the nursery stuff will be beautiful.  I have not had a chance to see it yet, but B's cousin has fantastic taste.

Still debating over which room to use, either room is going to require lots of moving.  It's either going to be moving my big ole computer desk that's in the cat's room or a whole bedroom suite that's in the back bedroom.  My husband really wants to go with the back bedroom.  The closet is a lot bigger, it has a big walk in closet.   Plus, something I did not consider, not as much sunlight in the back bedroom, because we need nap time.  Also for a head in the future, no way to sneak out of back bedroom as it's 2 stories high, front bedroom is on ground level.  Just thinking a head of time around the teenage years, ya know.

Oh decisions, decisions....

Also, I'm pretty sure I've jinxed myself with the start date of the 22nd for our Mapp classes.  I was suppose to hear something by now about starting our classes I even called on Wednesday, no word yet.  I'm really hoping we get through with this group that's starting on the 22nd.  Our social worker said that more than likely we would but she couldn' t guarantee it, the thought of waiting another couple of months to start classes makes me sick.

So here's hoping we hear something this week! 

As IF I Haven't

traveled enough?  You know because 13 hours in a car last week is just a piece of cake.  We are heading down to my mother's house this weekend to visit which is a two hour drive.  Also, my husband's cousin has been nice enough to store her crib, changing table, dresser, and I think a rocking chair for us. She lives in the same town as my mother so we will be picking that stuff up.

I had no clue that she had these things stored for "us" until we told Brian's parents about our plans to adopt.  I really wanted to pick my own baby stuff out, but at this point the amounts of money we have spent trying to get number one, every little bit helps so I"m very thankful she has thought enough about us to do this.

Now my biggest problem is which room do we turn into the baby/toddler's room?  I have a computer room that is chalked full of my niece's toys that I wanted to use as the baby's room.  It has a large window up front, it's in front of the house.  Receives lots of sunshine, the only problem is that my cat thinks this is his bedroom and he is very, very, territorial about this room.  He use to hiss, growl, at my niece when she would come in here to play with her toys.  But he has learned that his hissing and growling gets him banned to the basement. 

We have a twin bed set up in this room and my mother slept in this room about 3 weeks ago.  What did my cat do?  Hiss and growl at her because she was in "his" room.

So the next dilemma is that we have another room but it has a full size bed in it which is great when we have company or family in.  I really don't want to get rid of the bed. 

What the fuck, I just need another extra bedroom....

I guess I'll decide soon enough.  I'm thinking since I don't know if we will be placed with a boy or girl, I must go with a neutral color for the new room also when we decide to paint.  So I'm thinking green maybe or yellow.

I might be getting just a tad bit a head of myself here, but at least I feel like I'm doing something while we wait to start our classes.

Any suggestions on the room situation? 

Our Social Worker Meeting

On Friday Dec. the 1st went very well.  My husband had come down with what I thought was the flu 2 nights before our meeting and was very sick, but luckily our social worker had the same crude so she was looking just like B felt.  I  threatened his life and dragged him into the meeting sick, actually I didn't have to force him he was excited about going.

His fever was 102 that Friday and he had all of the flu symptoms, night sweats, achy muscles, fever.  So Friday night I decided I needed to take him to Urgent Care!  He ended up not having the flu, but I ended up with a nice flu shot.  Call me paranoid, I've never taken the flu shot, but I didn't want to risk getting the flu after I seen the condition B was in.  So, surely I'll get the flu now.  Kind of like an urban legend or something, you know like adopt and you get pregnant, well take the flu shot and you'll get the flu.

As we were driving home from Urgent Care Saturday night, I looked over at my husband and said, "SHIT, I'm going to be one of those mothers."  He said, "What kind of mother would that be dear?"  I then said, "The kind that takes their child to the Dr's over every little runny nose."  He laughed, and I then asked him, "What hell just happened at Urgent care? We go in for you because you're sick, you get nothing and I end up getting a shot, how the hell did that just happen?"  We both laughed...

Okay, sorry I'm delaying, on to the social worker visit.  We talked mainly about what was our purpose with wanting to adopt.  I blurred out something like we would like a child, we are infertile.  Let me tell you this lady was full of compassion, she was very pleasant and easy to talk to and within seconds I felt totally comfortable around her.

She asked about our infertility, I told her of our failed IVF treatment, the six m/c's and all the other crap.  I told her that we have been considering adopting for about 2 years now, that we both are finally ready to move forward and let go of our infertility(if one can do that).  She then asked me a question that has repeated itself in my brain about a million times, it's playing like a broken record but I'm saving that for my next post, something to elaborate a little more on.

I'm kind of having a block with blogging and I really need to express myself and it's been kind of hard coming to terms with all of this.  I want to address the question that the social worker asked me, but I'm not sure how.  Of course, I put my best game face on and answered her question perfectly to her but half of it was a lie.

We talked about a lot of things, certain situations, how to prepare, what to expect of our classes, and what we needed to get done before we started our Mapp classes.  Our social worker even recommended outside adoption facilities in our area.  Which I kind of found really strange but who knows?

I was told that I needed a crib/baby's room finished before our home study.  I explained that the idea of putting crib in my house is almost too hard to grasp.  We are actually going to get certified for two children so we must have two rooms prepared.  She laughed at my reluctance to set up "rooms", and reassured me that it will happen, that we will more than likely be placed sooner than most as we are not specifying a certain gender or race, we talked of fetal alcohol syndrome, crack/cocaine addicted babies, and mothers with no pre-natal care.  I'm okay with some of those situations to and so is the hubster so we are on track there.

When asked about our past, she started to chuckle when I explained my DWI.  She laughed and said that since it was 15 years ago that it might not even show up on my record (that's nice to know).  If it would have happened within the past couple of years it would hinder us, but 15 years ago will not matter.  I was instantly relieved.  Thank you Higher Powers, I did explain to her that it was something that turned my life completely around for the better, it was actually a blessing and I knew she understood.

So, finger prints tomorrow, I hope.  My hands are in pretty good shape at the moment so I pray I don't get rejected for the tiny cuts/cracks...  Shitty sensitive skin sucks!

Our Mapp classes should start Jan.22nd, she couldn't guarantee anything in writing for that start date for the Mapp classes but she pretty much told us we should go through with the next group starting the 22nd.  I've waited long enough; I don't want to wait any longer if you get the picture! I'm ready to do this but there is one thing IVF has taught me is patience, which has never been a virtue of mind but I'm being forced to learn. 

****** updated

I'm officially finger printed now, hubby is going tomorrow.  Poor little guy printing me was very old, and very shaky.  He had to do several of my fingers a couple of times, hoping that they will be suitable for the SBI and FBI.

A Lot To Digest

So, last night's meeting went well.  It was a whole lot of stuff to digest.  There were more than 20 people that attended the meeting, maybe more!  A doctor, a business like couple, an up tight couple, an infertile couple, a single woman, another single woman, and a couple that looked stoned.  It was an interesting mix, and let's not forgot Winne the Pooh annoying cell phone woman who didn't have enough respect to turn her damn cell phone off before the meeting or during the damn meeting.

We have a long road a head of us but at least I know with this road eventually there will be a happy ending, hopefully.

We start first with our initial interview with our social worker.  That will be December the 1st.  We then have criminal back ground checks to complete along with fingerprints sent to the FBI and SBI.  WOHOO, for some reason this is really making me nervous.  Not that I'm a convict, I'm not.  But, gosh, it's kind of scary. 

So, not to mention when we have our initial interview we have to tell all about anything criminal that has happened to either of us, including minor fender benders, which means I'm going to have to confess my DWI that I received when I was the young tender age of 18, yes freakin 18.  God, I was so fucking stupid when I was young.  I really want to kick myself in the ass for that particular moment in life, but you know what it actually taught me a life lesson and I'm somewhat thankful it happened.

Hubby is squeaky clean so he has nothing to worry about.  I actually have another misdemeanor...  Oh God, maybe I am a convict.  FUCK!  It was many years ago and it will not hinder us with being placed with a child but they want to know every fucking thing(and I thought our RE was invasive).  They actually told us not to hide anything because it makes us look suspicious.  They want to know every ticket, fender bender everything.  I have 2 little things on my record.  The DWI that occurred 15 years ago and the misdemeanor that ex-fuck wad boss took me to court for because I put his salon out of business, for fuck's sake.  Thank G-D it was just a misdemeanor but it still has me a little concerned.

Next step is our finger printing( which my fingers are alway busted from being in water and chemicals so I'm sure they will have problems) if that goes well it is on to our classes which start January the 22nd.  We will attend 3 hour classes twice a week for 6 weeks for a total of 36 hours.

We will then be assigned a social worker to work through the Home Assessment.

In the meantime, I'm going to be getting the cat up to date on his rabies shot(all animals must have up to date vaccinations), putting a land line in our house(an actual phone that is not a cordless), putting my hazard materials up, stashing my booze starting the baby room(DOUBLE YIKES).  And just getting our house in tip top shape.  I'm very nervous about the home inspection/study thing, I don't know why?  I would say that 99 percent of the time our house is spotless.  I'm somewhat OCD when it comes to neatness...

Let's see what else, yes back to the meeting.  They passed some profiles of children out to the group that need to be adopted out and I started crying.  One girl was 13 and she just had a baby and was looking for someone to adopt her and her new born daughter, so freakin young.  Poor girl has been in the system for a long time, broke my heart.

Also, we had to fill out some paper work for our social worker, one question was how many children would we be willing to be placed with?  My husband made me erase one and check two.  Okay, didn't know he wanted 2 children, I guess we have been so obsessed with just getting one real life baby that wanting 2 children never crossed my mind.  So 2 is what I checked.  HOLY SHIT two children... 

Also placement in our county that we live in is normally 4 to 6 months from the start process.  And in our county there are currently 212 children that need homes.  So please G-D let us just get one somewhat healthy little one.